Break-up Breakdown

1 Dec


You better believe it!

This weekend, a friend’s pesky ex had the nerve to tell me that I am not qualified to comment on break-ups.Why? Because I’ve had too many.

 Now, call me illogical but since when is experience considered a disqualifier? Newsflash – I lived it. I know what I’m talking about.

Let’s recap the embarrassing tale of Caro-before-Andrew. (I’m currently part of a disgustingly in-love, just-right couple. But I had some, um, characters leading up to this.)

 Then please let me know whether or not you think I’m capable of an informed break-up opinion:

Boyfriend Number 1

Name: Who cares. I refer to him simply as Die Drol (to my foreign readers – this anti-affectionate name quite simply means “piece of shit”.)

Relationship status: Obsessed freak

Break-up: Sheer Hell

Ah, the special type of terrible that comes with dating and dumping someone in your own varsity class. You cannot escape. Maybe, had I the sense to date someone of sane mind, this wouldn’t have been so bad. I imagine most of these situations die a quiet death of mutual tolerance. Not for me. The highlights of breaking up with this German crackpot include:

  • Multiple, elaborate threats of suicide. Now, call me insensitive, but by the 12th one I was kinda hoping he just gets it over with. You get so sick of sulky phone calls interfering with your day. You’re a grown man – man the fuck up!
  • New-found fame as the class slut. (Warning, ladies – this is what happens when you dare bruise an ego).

 The lessons?

  • You HAVE to – no half measures – HAVE to cut all contact with crazy Germans. Forever.
  • You don’t owe an ex ANYTHING. If you broke up, there was good reason. (Mostly that the guy was an ass). NEVER feel guilty for ignoring calls or not replying to messages – except with “fuck you.” You can say that. In fact, say it right now if he ever dared call you fat.
  • You can’t care what people think – a petty ex WILL tell tall tales. If people want to talk, let them. Then prove them all wrong.


Boyfriend Number Two

Name: Let’s call this one Matthew.

Relationship status: Highly experimental (it was a phase, ok.. If you ask me, everyone should try a younger guy)

Break-up: Just plain right

Matthew was my “different” phase. We were all wrong for each other on all fronts. That said, I learned a lot. My advice to the singletons not quite yet looking to settle down – allow yourself to fall for the wrong guy before you meet the right one. Push your limits. Realise that you’re young and supposed to be a bit wild. Just meeting someone in first year and settling in for married life in the company of SABC 2 is asking for a divorce at 24.

The break-up itself? My favourite one ever.

 “You’re just too fiery for me”. Now, if that’s not a compliment, I don’t know what is…


The lessons?

  • If you want something to last, date someone with whom this is a possibility. If he says he just wants something casual, believe him and spare yourself the heartbreak.
  • Ex-bashing is just about the most fun two friends can have. Pull that friend who always hated the guy closer and have a good laugh at his expense.


Boyfriend Number Three

Name: Eww! Gross!

Relationship status: Rebound

Break-up: Just plain rude

 Though Matthew was all wrong, I got my heart broken badly. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much or felt as alone as I did after that break-up. Funny, that.

 So what did I do? I did what Cosmo told me to – I got attached to the first guy who looked my way. I’m ashamed, dear reader, to confess that it was a barman. A gross one. With way too much chest hair just everywhere. Who smoked pot and had the vocab of a below-average 11 year old. Oh – and this disgusting abscess thing on his back. The thought makes me shudder. What. Was. I. Thinking.

We broke up over sms and haven’t spoken since. I avoid anything to do with LiquidChefs like the plague.

 The lessons?

  • Stop settling for just anyone.

Boyfriend Number Four

Name: Bi Bye Bye

Relationship status: Um. Nothing official. In fact, I’m not sure I’m technically allowed to include him in this post. Oh well.

Break-up: It’s not you, it’s me

 So this guy was wonderful. Or at least I stupidly thought so for a tiny little while. Full marks for being most creative – I can’t date you… I think I’m bipolar. Umm… yeah.


The lessons?

  • Don’t meet guys at clubs. Bad. Idea.
  • Read He’s just not that into you. Believe it! If he doesn’t want to be your official boyfriend, he’s not gonna change his mind. Accept it and move on before he gets so desperate that he has to invent a disorder to get rid of you.
  • Again – read. That. book. It may sound silly, but it saved me. After Bi guy, I REFUSED to settle for anyone who was even remotely reflected in this book


And you know what? I found the love of my life….


5 Responses to “Break-up Breakdown”

  1. Yash December 1, 2011 at 12:49 pm #

    Fucking hilarious 🙂

  2. sterrekind December 1, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    Cool post. Good lessons.

    • caroerasmus December 1, 2011 at 2:52 pm #

      Dankie, fellow skrywer! 😀 Altyd veral lekker om jou terugvoer te kry 🙂

  3. Rachela December 1, 2011 at 2:45 pm #

    Really awesome well-written post – still laughing! I think many MANY women can to relate to at least one of the above 🙂

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